There are many times over this last 2years when Iv felt so alone and lost. When Iv wondered how I’m going to get throw that day and if it was even possible to get throw the night. I could not always turn to my family as they were in the middle of it all. I could never thank my friends enough for helping me get throw those times and still now helping me now. When life is hard you start to learn who are true friends who will be there for you who you can trust and who you should walk away from. And Iv learnt a lot over last two years and there a group of friends my girls who are truly amazing and I could never ever ever pay them back enough for what they have done for me. One friend has gone above and beyond to help me get throw I hope one day to be able to pay her back some how. Some times it takes hitting rock bottom to find out who will be the ones to help you back up I found that out and know that Iv got some great amazing friends.
Wake up with that feeling of wanting to cry you no there no point but this pain is pain that can’t be fixed. You feel like teenager again but one big difference your a grown up and have child or children in middle of it. You think Iv tried to cry it out but never seems to work and i need to get over it.I thought for a moment I was I love again but it was to real I was kidding my self and to many people got hurt in middle. Why did he not see right throw me, Iv tried couple of times since but can’t till got you out of my system. But can you ever get over some one you feel is your soul mate. No one knows Iv felt like this for years as Iv tried to put a show on and I think it’s worked. And point is even if I could get rid of this pain but could I ever fix the whole in my where he once was. I would do any thing to have him back i would go throw all the pain again asi never stopped loving him it hurt every time i spoke to him. I gave him everything my heart my soul but he never gave back in the end he stole my heart never gave it back. But still i would do it all over again the day he broke my heart i felt like i was going to die but still i would do it all over again. If i could handel it i would have him in my life as he could fall in love again but it hurts to much to just hear his voice. I dont know what to do as thought of him again makes me full of feelings that still now are confused love anger hurt and hate all in one bundle. I need to forget him get rid of all memories. And just move on for good but how can I ever love again as Iv got my two sons I’m so scared they would get hurt. How can I trust some one not to break the most amazing people in my life my most valuable gift in my life. How can I not be scared of them getting hurt you hear so many horror stories and Iv tried to date but found men want to be first and can’t get over fact that my children first. I wish it all was as easy as the films show it to be. You fall in love break up then fall in love with another happily ever after.
At many times in my life’s I have felt Iv lost my way and my identity. All I ever feel like is a mother a daughter and a sister, there are thew times when I feel like a friend but most of the time I am alone lost in this lonely empty world. I hear you wonder why ,why would I feel So alone well it’s simple when you think about it. My life is not same as any one I could find I wish there was someone going throw the same things as me. Not so much identical but close to what my life is now. I know many single mums with sons. But most have had there children’s dad in there life. Were my oldest sons dad has never meet him. Which can be really hard to deal with now that my son is six. And then you add the judgments I get each and everyday for being a disabled single mummy.you put it all together and Iv only once came cross one mum in a wheelchair but not one in a wheelchair that was a single mum which is shame as it would of been helpful.
I can talk to people about being a single mum I can talk to people who are in wheelchair but 90percent of the time I can not talk to someone about any parts of my life that cross over.
I wish I could as most of the time I am fine as I’m mummy or jools (to my sister and parents). But I can’t find my identity as me a person In my own right as much as my family try to help me find that. The thing I need most is someone who can understand what parts of my life are like.