Monthly Archives: June 2011

what to do what to do

Trying to work out what to do and realized what i should of done 3 years ago. I want to study again but i know the way life is at moment i cant. I wish i had while i was living at my mums and had kierren. Shame is with living here and not getting enough sleep means i cant and dont have help as close as i really do need. Now if i could move then i know i would be able to study again but i dont know what to do. As iv got children that are young and need extra help not as easy as most children. But i want to prove to my sons that i can do something with my life. there is so much that is stopping me but so much pushing me into doing it.   I dont know my mind is all over place with this i wish someone could just come along and give me the answers. do i go back to day classes and not home study which will take three times longer or do i just be a stay at home mummy or what. What should i do what should i do?


late bonding with kierren

When i look at my sons i am truly amazed that they are here and they are mine. Not just because i was told i could not have children but because they are truly amazing. My oldest had to fight to stay alive as a new born in scbu but he did fight he gave all he had and he made it thank heavens. He was born what they call a blue baby not breathing so they had to help him and ventilate  him at birth. When he was first born i was unable to see for first couple of days as i was very very ill. So when i did see him i was taken back a bit. But when i saw him from moment i saw him i felt confident that all would be fine with him. It never did cross my mind that any thing could ever happen to him i just felt it be fine. The first time i put my hand in to the incubator he garbed my finger held it so tight and peeped out of  one big blue eye and looked at me. As couple of days went by and i finely got to hold him life felt so great.  When i finely took  him home you would of thought that things would of felt perfect. You would of thought i would of had that moment the moment that you feel like a mum. That had yet to happen which i am told is common in scbu mums. But one amazing day i finely had that moment. Kierren-jack was three months old and it was the first time i had ever been alone with him.  He was crying one day in his pushchair as i am disabled when i didnt have help i stayed down stairs. This day he was crying and crying i gave him a bottle in his buggy but he didnt want it. Then changed his nappy but that didnt help. So when i finely gave i a picked him up this tiny bundle that i was not connected to yet i looked down at him asked what is wrong  he looked at me and for first time ever he smiled. And for first time ever i felt that rush of love and that powerful emotions waved over me and it felt over powering in away. Suddenly i felt that all was as it should be. Sometimes one little event can change the course of your life i believe if that had not happened life would be me and him disconnected . Where now it is mummy and kierren having and amazing connection and we also have another little man and that would not have happened if i had not finely bonded with kierren


Reading friends status tonight got me thinking about people friendships and families.

Do we sometimes let friendships go to waste side by taking friends for granted and by leaving them a day two days a couple of weeks before contacting them then you suddenly realise that its been three or for months before you have contacted them and at that point they are mad as heck at you as you not called them sooner.

but is it that we let are busy lifes get in the way unlike when we never had a family to take care of but what happens when that family has grown up.

if we let are friendships go when are kids are no longer young and we have spare time we may not have friends to fill that time with.

we may become very lonely which is why now it is important to put the time in now with are friends and work hard at your friendships.

also when it comes to it even now you could need your friends at any point if things turn bad or just hard friends or family that are friends are what you need.

i think it might be time we all start slowing down and really looking at people in are life  and see what they do for us and who is really there for us and who is not.


whose to blame

My oldest son turned 5 this week ,5 what an age people say well he still little but feels like it all going by to fast i want to slow it down hold him tight never let him go so he ever grow up. But  cant no matter how hard i try he going to get older he not going to be my baby forever. which is such a shame as he such a lovey litttle boy who comes out with some very funny things.

The other week he said to my mum nanny never stop breathing. I looked at my mum she looked at me and he smile and said “nanny never stop breathing nanny or you die but don’t worry if you die you go to heaven and its nice there so iv been told.”  The comment come fro no ware my mum has no problems breathing we not talking at that moment about breathing nothing so i was a bit shocked and taken back by it.

I think he such a wonderful child as he sees people for who they are not taken back by illness or skin tone or region he just sees the person.

when he was about three we were going down the street and these children were pointing and making  comments about this person when we went by saw person had one legs and was trying to fix her artfical leg on kierren toddled over and said to the lady” can i help you if you need help i sometimes help mummy not often as she says not my place to help her”  the lady who must been in her early 40s and had army jumer on smiled at him and said thank you little man but you have helpped gave him a pound which he kept saying he could not take till i said it was ok and lady said to me which even now makes me smile” that what is wrong with the world and mainly this nation of all people going down the street only one person saw the problem not the difference  and that person was only three years old” then she told me she was an american solider that lost her leg in gulf war that she came here and married a British gentlemen  but sadly never lasted but as she had a daughter with him she stayed here but was finding it hard but my boy had given her faith again as he was one of only people to show no fear when seeing her stump and to still treat her as a human not someone to fear “. Should it be up to the next generation to give us faith in humanity or should we be giving them it like are parents did us and are grandparents did them. what dos it say about us as parents when less children are accepting understanding and empathetic to one and another. Are we lacking when it comes to teaching are children these  main morals and failing them and are self, who is to blame?