Monthly Archives: December 2011

some times it takes that bitter-sweet feeling of holding tears back to know that its time to say ok i can let go now.  But how when ever i think of you i still feel like i did at 19 nieve and consumed  by feelings of passion.But really it is just t the memories or do i still care for you in that way as it was on and of for 5 years yet its been 6 years now. I loved you so much and still think of you now as we never did end it properly so here is how i plan to end it if you ever read this then good you will finely know the truth. We could have had what you always wanted but you could never let go of what you were always told was meant to  be.And you could  never let go of the pain of you childhood,THE ANGER AND RESENTMENT IT HELD FOR YOU never let me in as you said it hurt  to much to.I wish you could understand how you have effected me over the years still loving you stopped me fully loving another. I hope you have found your true happiness and your dreams have come true.  I want you to know if you have found some one and have a family you wanted.I always remember the laughter and tears the drama and love we had it only seems like yesterday but time has flown by. Those were the carefree days of my youth  when we had all the time in the world and life was a matter of moments no cares or regrets. My only regret was that we never ended it clear-cut.We never said good-bye . I was hurt and mad  young and unaware of the effects of heart-break.  but this is why i need to say this now  take a deep breath and let it go.

You were my first love and first heart-break, you were the first person to truly understand me and let me be me. For that i am truly grateful.  i hope that  your dreams have  come true and life is good to you.  You deserve to have all your hopes and dreams you are a good person and you deserve to have a good life with someone who loves you for the amazing person you are.

All that is left to say is good-bye my sweet  and know i will always be your friend and here to help.

Let the music play as i go and watch the titles end in respect for this friend

(there is only one person who will know what line above means but its a hint that this is to him)

From julie

 

love from  julie

Its hard hating something that for all my childhood had held such wonderful memories.  Something that when i look back at i feel warmth and wonder amazement and joy.                            See for me this time of year held such magic and  held dreams of romance and wonder of course with true wonder comes amazement.   But now, now it is tainted  with pain,anger  and resentment. So thew things do i truly wish i could change but this is one of them and it angers me so badly that i am left with this. there are times in my life that i have been so upset and wished i could change  my life and how it has turned out but this,this is one thing i wish i could change.   It’s not as if i could  just get over it because no matter what way i look at it im left with this till day i die as you can’t get rid of an illness of a disability and pain that comes with it. As a child i would see snow fall and would feel excited now i see it as more pain coming and it dos anger me because i want to enjoy it with my sons. I see moms tutting at there children want to go out and want them to come play with them i feel pure resentment towards them  as i would like to be able to just say ok and not feel that twinge of knowing that later im going to feel huge amounts of pain. The pain that is worse this time of year has ruined my favorite time of year.  But i will not let this  stop this  time of year  from being magical for my sons as they deserve the memories i have.    

Love

Have you ever just felt so empty and numb inside, but you still can still have to act like you did before as much as you can force yourself to. You talk to a select people around you those that you love and feel are not going to force you to open up as they know you’re hurting. You force yourself to go on each and everyday you get up. you may even wake up crying feeling lost alone and scared but because you have to carry on what other choice do you have?
You can’t break down or your whole world would fall apart and you have people that depend on you to be there they need you so much that you can’t just let your self hide away from the world as it would not work that way. Times that I wish I could just say do you realize what you do because you wanted to be selfish and you lied so much you hurt so many people I hope your happy now. I just want you to understand what your choices have do to others. When do people realize there choices effect so many not just there life and others it effects whole group of people. I wonder how he can’t be frozen as his soul must be ice cold not to feel what he’s done to many.i just don’t know any more