late bonding with kierren

When i look at my sons i am truly amazed that they are here and they are mine. Not just because i was told i could not have children but because they are truly amazing. My oldest had to fight to stay alive as a new born in scbu but he did fight he gave all he had and he made it thank heavens. He was born what they call a blue baby not breathing so they had to help him and ventilate  him at birth. When he was first born i was unable to see for first couple of days as i was very very ill. So when i did see him i was taken back a bit. But when i saw him from moment i saw him i felt confident that all would be fine with him. It never did cross my mind that any thing could ever happen to him i just felt it be fine. The first time i put my hand in to the incubator he garbed my finger held it so tight and peeped out of  one big blue eye and looked at me. As couple of days went by and i finely got to hold him life felt so great.  When i finely took  him home you would of thought that things would of felt perfect. You would of thought i would of had that moment the moment that you feel like a mum. That had yet to happen which i am told is common in scbu mums. But one amazing day i finely had that moment. Kierren-jack was three months old and it was the first time i had ever been alone with him.  He was crying one day in his pushchair as i am disabled when i didnt have help i stayed down stairs. This day he was crying and crying i gave him a bottle in his buggy but he didnt want it. Then changed his nappy but that didnt help. So when i finely gave i a picked him up this tiny bundle that i was not connected to yet i looked down at him asked what is wrong  he looked at me and for first time ever he smiled. And for first time ever i felt that rush of love and that powerful emotions waved over me and it felt over powering in away. Suddenly i felt that all was as it should be. Sometimes one little event can change the course of your life i believe if that had not happened life would be me and him disconnected . Where now it is mummy and kierren having and amazing connection and we also have another little man and that would not have happened if i had not finely bonded with kierren

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